February - Ceremonies 10-17

These ceremonies were incredibly healing psychologically - and physically in my brain.

Noga, the night before she left, worked on my body with a Reiki-type technique. She began at my head and almost immediately mentioned my father. This was the second person to have mentioned my father and control issues to me.

Over the ceremonies, everything in my head unraveled.

Ceremony 13 - Rebirth
    I experienced the birthing process (as the new born) and understood its intensity. One must be passive and let the universe work its ways, while, with passivity and docility, allow the process to happen in you and through you. The process was overwhelmingly intense and had a spiraling aspect to it. I would be taken through different stages that alternated between overwhelming and peaceful and between active and restful. This seemed very much to correlate to the birthing process, which itself was symbolic of and analogous to the processes of the universe.
After I was birthed, I felt very new and vulnerable. I began to long for love and comfort, from my mother for example. I began walking around the Temple grounds (the ceremony was over by this point) looking for my friends to comfort me. I got lost--being still very much under the influence of the medicine. Then I found someone back in the Maloka, who offered to comfort me. This turned out to be a mistake and it was very uncomfortable. The universe was showing me how a new-born, without his mothers love, begins to run from one thing to another searching and longing for that comfort. I knew this time (opposed to when I was birthed last time) I had to find it within myself and with the universe (or God) through myself. This was incredibly profound and I was going to make sure this time I would "be ye lamp unto yourself, be ye a refuge to yourself [and] betake yourself to no external refuge [and] hold fast to the Truth as a lamp; hold fast to the Truth as a refuge, look not for a refuge in anyone besides yourself." (The Perennial Philosophy 203)

When I was a baby, I would cry in my crib and my parents would have to come and hold me as I drifted to sleep. They consulted the doctor about this problem. The doctor said to let me cry myself to sleep, so as to learn to sleep alone and to put myself to sleep. I believe this is where much of the problem began, crying nightly, longing for parental comfort. It seems the conclusion is that, for whatever reason, the child is not yet comfortable on its own and needs more comfort and love from the parents, simply in the form of holding the child closely, skin-to-skin. Part of the problem could also stem from not being breast-fed, which a few males especially have had problems with.
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman:
An experiment with mice showed that baby mice that received more love and nurturing from the mother were more confident and adventurous, wondering more freely throughout the living space, walking along more dangerous/narrow pathways, exploring more.

In college I became a very confident and outgoing person, but it is because I had found comfort externally that allowed for this to happen. I would always say "I would do anything in the world, as long as one friend of mine was with me." This is a direct manifestation of my complex.
This complex is also the reason I was so lonely when I first got to the Temple. All my comforts were gone: my friends (esp. Candace) were gone, all sorts of foods were gone, alcohol and weed were gone, partying was gone.

Now, "holding fast to the Truth as [my] lamp, and holding fast to the Truth as [my] refuge" I can live freely, with no need of externals to comfort me.

Conclusion
The last ceremony concluded with me, unable to sleep because of the effects of the Medicine, going up to my Tambo and sitting outside on the ground under a full moon and some beautiful clouds. I had to keep my mind from wondering and began to focus on my breath. This was not some spiritual meditation. It was very simple and grounding, just watching my being as I inhaled...and exhaled.

This was a prelude to the March Ceremonies, which focused around spirituality - enhancing my understanding of Reality while allowing me to develop practical applications to bring more awareness, joy, understanding, and love into my daily life.

Thank you to my friends for your support and asking me to continue to write!